When the view starts seeming normal, you may have been in the asylum too long. If you haven’t been to our asylum but enjoy the shenanigans from afar, you may have already begun to accept them for not too far out of the ordinary. If you’re new here… :laughs: “Good luck!” You see fair reader, a grown man adorned with bunny ears and carrying a cross is par for the course.
But, we’re not going to talk about said Easter Bunny. This week it’s all about the cross, not to mention our penchant for crucifying people in effigy. A heart-felt thanks goes out to our resident grump for the cross, for it has become one of our favorite conversation pieces, along with the blue balls, the buffalo, the parking meter and the palm tree.
It’s been said that timing is everything, and the timing of the cross’s arrival thrust it into immediate use. As the above picture proves, in the days prior to Bin Laden’s date with Seal Team Six, he was spotted hanging out in our fair bar.
A few weeks later, during 2011′s infamous rapture, it was also put to use when a prophet from God mysteriously materialized to enjoy a beer and tell our aging biker that his bike is indeed green.
But behold, the cross had yet to find its niche, that would come in the following months, when the town was introduced to a one-legged wonder we dubbed Peg-leg. You must understand when you pedal your way up a sidewalk, stop in front of a packed bar and chew an apple while staring down a gaggle of people on the deck and your prosthetic leg falls off, you’re destined to become an instant legend. For more on the legend of Peg-leg click here and here. The links will take you to previous posts about the one-legged wonder. I’ve written about this gem twice… It is required reading for any true fan.
Anyway, after Peg-leg rode the rail out of town, the idea to crucify Hitler arose one afternoon while a couple of us watched The Pianist. Someone said they had a Hitler doll at home. I found this a little strange, but this is our town. He returned with a Charlie Chaplin doll. Hey, Chaplin did play Hitler in The Great Dictator, so it’s all good. Without a second thought, we taped the doll to the cross.
When the Humming Bartender came in for his shift (more on him in a later post) little did I know an icon would be born. That night he broke a leg of the poor doll and glued a peanut – which he painted red to simulate a bloody stump – into the void. I wish I had a dollar every time someone asked “What’s up with the cross?” I know, I know, the expression is a nickle, but I have a reputation to uphold.
Aw, yes, I think you’re starting to agree that our asylum’s, errr, our establishment’s collective twisted mind is a terrible thing to waste. Don’t you agree, now that you’ve been here a while, it really does seem quite normal.
What’s that? You want to know what the bumper stickers atop the cross read?
Stupidity Kills – just not fast enough, and my personal favorite, the one that answers that age old question: “What would Jesus do?”
Jesus would slap the shit out of you!
Yes, my world is fertile ground for an author. With this kind of inspiration, I better have interesting characters, or I’ll risk the reader slapping the shit out of me.